True Life: I’m an Etiquette Nut

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What do you think of when hearing the word   “etiquette”?  Knights in shining armor?  Possibly.  A large table with eight million different forks?  Completely overwhelming.  A seemingly outdated set of rules that are more important now than ever before?  Doubtful.

But, these are increasingly important.  We live in an age when interactions with other people are increasingly casual.  We can wear whatever we want, contact people whenever we want, and respond however we would like to a myriad of invitations.  Our society focuses so much on the ease of convenience that we forget one other factor that is more important: respect.

Isn’t the golden rule to treat others how we would want to be treated?  Everyone seems to expect the highest toward themselves and yet gives no one else the same courtesy.

In a millennium when just about anything we could want is at our fingertips, how should we treat others?  Is that different from before?  Or do we need to look back into how and why things were the way they were in centuries past?  Were things better then or simply different?  And are there ways in which our current etiquette lacks, or maybe is even an improvement?

It is only an opinion, but I plan to try to answer this question:

 

Why does it all matter?

On Email Etiquette

Emails are a fantastic invention because they are quick, convenient, and straightforward.  In mere minutes you can contact someone about any topic and receive a reply just as quickly.  The problem arises with the true instantaneous nature of emails.  How soon should you be expecting a response?  Minutes?  Hours?  Days?

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Barring some sort of emergency, you should avoid waiting days to respond to an email.  But is it entirely reasonable to expect that a response should come within minutes of sending it?  I know plenty of people who send emails, or text messages, at three o’clock in the morning and are perturbed when they do not receive  a response right away.  Some people are up at three in the morning, but in general it seems as though those people are few and far between.  Is it entirely rational to expect a response when the person you’re contacting is likely otherwise indisposed?

Realistically, we should be praising the advent of email because it allows us to get correspondences out whenever we please without limitations on working days and hours of the postal service.  However, it is important to remember that while we can send our initial email at any time or on any date, our recipient also has the luxury of responding to us at any time or date.  Is three in the morning a convenient time for our recipient to be responding to their email?  Not necessarily.

As with cell phone etiquette, we need to exercise some caution in how we send out our emails.  In this case, the nine am to nine pm window is probably still the best time to send an email and expect a timely response.  However, since it does not pose as much of an interruption as a phone call, there is not necessarily a real limit on when an email can be sent.  The caution is here is that if getting a response is urgent, then it is appropriate to limit email correspondence to that nine am to nine pm time window; if not limited to this window, there is the caveat that the sender cannot be upset by a less than timely response.  On the other hand, if receiving a response is not urgent, then it does not seem like a time cap is necessary.

Emily Post offers these three considerations for sending emails:

1. Human contact still matters – Don’t communicate electronically at the expense of personal interaction.  There’s a reason people often need to discuss things face-to-face, and there are times when no substitute will do – whether you’re breaking up with your boyfriend or asking your boss for a raise.
2. Watch what you say, and how you say it – While the computer brings people together, its impersonal nature can lead to remarks that people wouldn’t think of saying in person.  Do whatever it takes to stay courteous, even in that means taping a note to your computer reminding you to be decent and polite.
3. Be careful when clicking Send – Whatever you say in cyberspace cannot be taken back.  You have no control over where your message goes once you’ve hit Send; it can be saved and forwarded by any recipient who chooses to do so, and words have come back to hurt people, destroy friendships, and ruin careers.

On Responding to an Invitation

It’s one of those days where you’re browsing Facebook at eleven o’clock at night and you see an event invitation from one of your friends.  It ends up being the same friend that always invites you (and the rest of his friend list) to concerts every few weeks because he decided to take up concert promoting for a hobby.  You might go, maybe, if you have nothing else to do–and that includes sleeping or catching up on Netflix.  However, you don’t want him to forget you the one time he invites you to a show you actually want to see.  So you hit maybe instead of not attending.

This is another aspect of our desire to avoid hurting people’s opinions about every little thing.  We want to seem open to the idea of attending whatever so we say we will go even when we have no real attention of attending.  And this is so ingrained into our response mechanisms that the invitation sender not only assumes that a maybe actually means no, but that a yes means maybe.  It is as though the creation of those three little buttons turned everyone into noncommittal attendees.  And this can backfire.

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My best friend got married last summer.  The morning of the ceremony, a few of her relatives called and said that they were actually in town and were wondering if they could come to the ceremony and the reception.  I was returning to her cabin with food when this happened and she gathered her mother and I for a conference.  “Should they be allowed to attend?”  “Did they respond to the invitation at all?”  “No.”  Her face resembled what I imagine chewing a lemon soaked in bitters would taste like.  “You want to say no, don’t you?”  She looked at her mother helplessly.

“They are family, it’s not a plated dinner, and we did order extra food.”

So her mother and I scrambled off to find extra chairs for the dining room and the ceremony.  We succeeded and everything was lovely, but the audacity of some people astounds me.

When did making a firm decision become taboo?  Is there really any person out there who will set a date on their own schedule and then proceed to be upset when it doesn’t end up fitting in with your schedule?  Probably not.  Consulting anyone else on their schedule, making a compromise, and then getting upset when the second person still doesn’t attend,  conversely, is fair and reasonable.  What is sad about this is that it began as a joke about behavior on Facebook and then seeped so much into our regular lives that suddenly people think it is alright to fail to respond to a wedding invitation and still attend.

Whenever I host events, I even tell my friends “It is okay if you can’t come and I’d rather you told me sooner if you can’t.”  But I shouldn’t have to add that caveat.  It is especially frustrating when they get defensive about whether or not they will attend and even saying “I just need a number for dinner reservations” never seems like a good enough reason to justify why you would need confirmed attendance.  And it’s not as though they actually need a reason.  They should want to respond in order to help the host(ess) in planning their event.

This is a call to everyone to start being more  exact in their RSVPs.  Out of respect for the people who throw events, we should be willing to say whether or not we are coming and leave the maybes for non-number specific events where we truly aren’t sure for a legitimate reason (i.e. not sure you have work yet).

 

The Most Common Dress Codes

As previously mentioned, dress codes can be confusing.  When in doubt, consider the following suggestions from Emily Post.

 

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Dress Code	Likely Occasions	Men	Women
White Tie	Weddings, Charity Events	Black tailcoat, matching trousers with a single stripe of satin or braid in the US; two stripes in Europe or the UK white piqué wing-collared shirt with stiff front white vest white-colored (e.g., mother of pearl) studs and cufflinks white bow tie white or gray gloves black patent shoes and black dress socks	Formal (floor length) evening gown
Black Tie	Weddings, Charity Events	Black tuxedo jacket and matching trousers formal (piqué or pleated front) white shirt black-colored (e.g., onyx) studs and cufflinks black bow tie (silk, shiny satin or twill) black cummerbund to match tie, or a vest dressy suspenders to ensure a good fit (optional) black patent shoes and black dress socks no gloves. In summer or on a cruise: white dinner jacket, black tuxedo trousers plus other black tie wardrobe	Formal (floor length) evening gown dressy cocktail dress Your dressiest little black dress
Creative Black Tie	Themed Weddings, the Kentucky Derby, Charity Events	Tuxedo combined with trendy or whimsical items, such as a black shirt or a matching colored or patterned bow tie and cummerbund	Formal (floor length) evening gown dressy cocktail dress your dressiest little black dress fun or unique accessories
Black Tie Optional	Weddings, Formal Events, Charity Events	Either a tuxedo (see ‘Black Tie’ above) or Dark suit, white shirt, and conservative tie dressy leather shoes and dark dress socks	Formal (floor length) evening gown dressy cocktail dress a little black dress dressy separates
Semiformal	Cocktail Events, Some Weddings, Charity Events	Dark, business suit matching vest (optional) dress shirt conservative tie dressy leather shoes and dark dress socks	Short afternoon or cocktail dress a little black dress long dressy skirt and top dressy separates
Festive Attire	Holiday Parties (mostly)	Seasonal sport coat or blazer in color of choice, and slacks open-collar shirt dress shirt and optional “festive” or holiday-themed tie	Cocktail dress or long dressy skirt and top dressy pants outfit or separates a little black dress feature holiday colors and accessories
Business Formal	Work, Interviews, Board Meetings, Networking Events (but always check the company dress code)	Dark business suit matching vest (optional) dress shirt conservative tie dressy leather shoes and dark dress socks	Suit business-style dress dress with a jacket stockings (optional in summer) heels, low or highs
Business Casual	Work, Interviews, Board Meetings, Networking Events (but always check the company dress code)	Seasonal sport coat or blazer with slacks or khakis dress shirt with optional tie, or casual button-down shirt open-collar or polo shirt loafers or loafer-style shoes and socks	Skirt, khakis or pants open-collar shirt, knit shirt, or sweater (no spaghetti straps or decolleté) casual-style dress
Dressy Casual	Luncheons, Brunch, Teas, Happy Hours	Seasonal sport coat or blazer and slacks dress shirt, casual button-down shirt optional tie open-collar or polo shirt	Dress skirt and dressy top dressy pants outfit nice jeans and dressy top
Casual	Planned Events that do not fall in the above categories and have no stated dress code, like company barbecues or picnics	Khakis or good jeans (clean, no holes) cargo or Bermuda shorts—depending on occasion and climate plain t-shirt (no slogans), polo shirt, or turtleneck casual button-down shirt sweater loafers, sneakers (with or without socks), or sandals	Sundress long or short skirt khakis or nice jeans shorts (depending on occasion and climate) plain t-shirt (no slogans), polo shirt, or turtleneck casual button-down blouse

On Dress Codes (Spoken or Otherwise)

"Etiquette and Protocol" found on SquidPig's deviant art page

Formal invitations always list an attire suggestion, but even non-formal occasions require a dress code; these are often confusing and hard to decipher.  What’s the difference between black tie and white tie?  And what’s the ratio of business to casual in business casual anyway?  Why does it all matter as long as you’re wearing clothing at all?  I recently attended a scholarship luncheon for my alma mater as an alumni chapter representative.  Six recipients were each awarded at least $1000 in scholarships.  One of the recipients attended wearing jeans and a tshirt.  Doesn’t it seem disrespectful to attend a luncheon held in your honor with the donors present while wearing jeans and a tshirt?  I think so.

First: why do dress codes even matter?  The world around us is increasingly more casual with the constant advent of new technology.  Actually, attire is one of the few categories where etiquette still tends to be followed and this probably has a great deal to do with fear of how other people react.  Even I am perpetuating that notion by saying wearing jeans and a tshirt at a scholarship luncheon was disrespectful. (Especially in light of how much money was being awarded to him—not that the money should make the difference!)  But why?  We can bring cell phones to dinner, but we can’t wear what we please?

Societal norms change constantly.  These days, it is okay to bring a cell phone to dinner, because everyone else does.  It is okay to send emails at weird hours, because everyone else does.  It is okay to be pushy or impatient in airports or restaurants, because everyone else does it too.  These things shouldn’t be okay, but they are.  And yet, you can’t wear jeans and a tshirt to a luncheon—or you shouldn’t—because everyone else’s opinion matters.  You’re making a first impression, or at least an impression of yourself, with your outfit.

That’s really all it is.  Let’s make a comparison using the luncheon’s semi-casual cousin: brunch.  If you’re going to brunch with your friends, you can probably wear jeans and a tshirt.  But, if you’re going to brunch with your significant other’s parents (within the first few times you have met them, and especially the first time), what will you wear then?  You’ll probably put on something nicer.  The reason?  As I said before, fear of other peoples’ opinions.  Your friends have already formed an opinion on you and that’s not likely to change because of whatever you decide to wear that day.  Your significant other’s parents, on the other hand, could form other opinions on the rest of your life based on how you were dressed.  You want those to be good opinions, so you throw on something nicer in the beginning.  And then the hope is that at some point the parents will add “just likes to wear jeans and a tshirt” to your list of qualities.

How do we best combat fear of other peoples’ opinions?  The timeless advice is: it’s okay to be a little overdressed.  This advice is timeless for a reason.  No one will blink an eye if you wore something just a bit above whatever the stated or assumed dress code happened to be.  There are times when other people will give your attire the side eye, but the vast majority of the time, you will know that’s how they would react (if you were to wear a cocktail dress or a suit at a barbecue, for instance).  So, what do you do when you’re confused?

Go here:  The most common dress codes and the events you’re likely to see them at.

On Cell Phone Usage

Let’s be honest with ourselves for a moment.  You go to dinner with your friends and you hear a sound from your cell phone.  Do you answer it?

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In our increasingly technological world, we are often consumed by technology because it is always at our fingertips.  Prior to the invention of the cell phone, we had to wait until we were near a landline to make calls or, in emergencies, we utilized change and pay phones.  I haven’t seen a pay phone in years!  And does anyone really carry change anymore?  I attended a dinner where everyone except me spent half the meal checking us into the restaurant on Facebook or instagramming pictures of their food.  Is the food still warm when they finish utilizing all their filters? Or, did they hear our waitress the first time she asked if they needed something—one of my friends realized she had no mayonnaise after twenty minutes of taking photographs.  We miss so much of the world around us when we spend all of our time plugged in to the digital world.  How can we combat that?  Some modes of transportation have rules about electronic usage during travel.  People will turn their phones off during flights.  Buses and trains have these same rules, yet I have heard many a conversation on a bus ride.  So even banning them does not necessarily work.  A certain amount of etiquette is lacking in these situations.  The key here is to be considerate of those around you.

Some of my friends have tried to circumvent this by playing a game.  Everyone goes out to dinner together and at the beginning of the meal each person gets five minutes to finish their phone usage.  Afterwards, each person places their phone face down in the center of the table.  The first person to pick their phone up pays the entire bill for whole table.  It’s a weird game of bribery.  If you can hold out on not using your phone, but someone else can’t, then your food is free!  This is insane to me because we chose to go out to eat together to enjoy each other’s company.  It shouldn’t be a chore or a bet to spend time with your friends.  Why do we feel the need to be connected to everyone else all the time anyway?  Especially when we are with other people.

Old etiquette rules existed about the times people were allowed to make phone calls.  No one could call before nine in the morning, no one could call after nine at night.  It was frowned upon to call during meal times because that was supposed to be time spent with the people around you.  In this increasingly digital age, we should bring those rules back and reverse them.  It should be up to each individual person to control their usage.  Make a vow to not take or make calls before or after a certain time and people will likely follow your lead at least with you.  Make it a point to not take calls during meal times or times when you are with other people.  Or, if you must take a call or be ready to take a call (i.e. if you are a doctor currently on call for a hospital), let those you are with know and then step away from the table to utilize your phone if needed.  If we collectively make the effort to show active consideration for others in our own phone usage (and encourage their consideration through our purposeful refusal of their incoming calls) then it is likely that we would no longer have the problems of watching our friends take pictures of their sandwich for twenty minutes when we’ve set up a lunch date.

Emily Post suggests these top ten phone etiquette rules:

1. Be in control of your phone, don’t let it control you!
2. Speak softly.
3. Be courteous to those you are with; turn off your phone if it will be interrupting a conversation or activity.
4. Watch your language, especially when others can overhear you.
5. Avoid talking about personal problems in a public place.
6. If it must be on and it could bother others, use the silent ring mode and move away to talk.
7. Don’t make calls in a library, theater, church, or from your table in a restaurant.
8. Don’t text during class or a meeting at your job.
9. Private info can be forwarded, so don’t text it.
10. NEVER drive and use your phone at the same time.