On Responding to an Invitation

It’s one of those days where you’re browsing Facebook at eleven o’clock at night and you see an event invitation from one of your friends.  It ends up being the same friend that always invites you (and the rest of his friend list) to concerts every few weeks because he decided to take up concert promoting for a hobby.  You might go, maybe, if you have nothing else to do–and that includes sleeping or catching up on Netflix.  However, you don’t want him to forget you the one time he invites you to a show you actually want to see.  So you hit maybe instead of not attending.

This is another aspect of our desire to avoid hurting people’s opinions about every little thing.  We want to seem open to the idea of attending whatever so we say we will go even when we have no real attention of attending.  And this is so ingrained into our response mechanisms that the invitation sender not only assumes that a maybe actually means no, but that a yes means maybe.  It is as though the creation of those three little buttons turned everyone into noncommittal attendees.  And this can backfire.

Image credit to blog host

My best friend got married last summer.  The morning of the ceremony, a few of her relatives called and said that they were actually in town and were wondering if they could come to the ceremony and the reception.  I was returning to her cabin with food when this happened and she gathered her mother and I for a conference.  “Should they be allowed to attend?”  “Did they respond to the invitation at all?”  “No.”  Her face resembled what I imagine chewing a lemon soaked in bitters would taste like.  “You want to say no, don’t you?”  She looked at her mother helplessly.

“They are family, it’s not a plated dinner, and we did order extra food.”

So her mother and I scrambled off to find extra chairs for the dining room and the ceremony.  We succeeded and everything was lovely, but the audacity of some people astounds me.

When did making a firm decision become taboo?  Is there really any person out there who will set a date on their own schedule and then proceed to be upset when it doesn’t end up fitting in with your schedule?  Probably not.  Consulting anyone else on their schedule, making a compromise, and then getting upset when the second person still doesn’t attend,  conversely, is fair and reasonable.  What is sad about this is that it began as a joke about behavior on Facebook and then seeped so much into our regular lives that suddenly people think it is alright to fail to respond to a wedding invitation and still attend.

Whenever I host events, I even tell my friends “It is okay if you can’t come and I’d rather you told me sooner if you can’t.”  But I shouldn’t have to add that caveat.  It is especially frustrating when they get defensive about whether or not they will attend and even saying “I just need a number for dinner reservations” never seems like a good enough reason to justify why you would need confirmed attendance.  And it’s not as though they actually need a reason.  They should want to respond in order to help the host(ess) in planning their event.

This is a call to everyone to start being more  exact in their RSVPs.  Out of respect for the people who throw events, we should be willing to say whether or not we are coming and leave the maybes for non-number specific events where we truly aren’t sure for a legitimate reason (i.e. not sure you have work yet).

 

The Most Common Dress Codes

As previously mentioned, dress codes can be confusing.  When in doubt, consider the following suggestions from Emily Post.

 

Image credit to blog host

 

Dress Code	Likely Occasions	Men	Women
White Tie	Weddings, Charity Events	Black tailcoat, matching trousers with a single stripe of satin or braid in the US; two stripes in Europe or the UK white piqué wing-collared shirt with stiff front white vest white-colored (e.g., mother of pearl) studs and cufflinks white bow tie white or gray gloves black patent shoes and black dress socks	Formal (floor length) evening gown
Black Tie	Weddings, Charity Events	Black tuxedo jacket and matching trousers formal (piqué or pleated front) white shirt black-colored (e.g., onyx) studs and cufflinks black bow tie (silk, shiny satin or twill) black cummerbund to match tie, or a vest dressy suspenders to ensure a good fit (optional) black patent shoes and black dress socks no gloves. In summer or on a cruise: white dinner jacket, black tuxedo trousers plus other black tie wardrobe	Formal (floor length) evening gown dressy cocktail dress Your dressiest little black dress
Creative Black Tie	Themed Weddings, the Kentucky Derby, Charity Events	Tuxedo combined with trendy or whimsical items, such as a black shirt or a matching colored or patterned bow tie and cummerbund	Formal (floor length) evening gown dressy cocktail dress your dressiest little black dress fun or unique accessories
Black Tie Optional	Weddings, Formal Events, Charity Events	Either a tuxedo (see ‘Black Tie’ above) or Dark suit, white shirt, and conservative tie dressy leather shoes and dark dress socks	Formal (floor length) evening gown dressy cocktail dress a little black dress dressy separates
Semiformal	Cocktail Events, Some Weddings, Charity Events	Dark, business suit matching vest (optional) dress shirt conservative tie dressy leather shoes and dark dress socks	Short afternoon or cocktail dress a little black dress long dressy skirt and top dressy separates
Festive Attire	Holiday Parties (mostly)	Seasonal sport coat or blazer in color of choice, and slacks open-collar shirt dress shirt and optional “festive” or holiday-themed tie	Cocktail dress or long dressy skirt and top dressy pants outfit or separates a little black dress feature holiday colors and accessories
Business Formal	Work, Interviews, Board Meetings, Networking Events (but always check the company dress code)	Dark business suit matching vest (optional) dress shirt conservative tie dressy leather shoes and dark dress socks	Suit business-style dress dress with a jacket stockings (optional in summer) heels, low or highs
Business Casual	Work, Interviews, Board Meetings, Networking Events (but always check the company dress code)	Seasonal sport coat or blazer with slacks or khakis dress shirt with optional tie, or casual button-down shirt open-collar or polo shirt loafers or loafer-style shoes and socks	Skirt, khakis or pants open-collar shirt, knit shirt, or sweater (no spaghetti straps or decolleté) casual-style dress
Dressy Casual	Luncheons, Brunch, Teas, Happy Hours	Seasonal sport coat or blazer and slacks dress shirt, casual button-down shirt optional tie open-collar or polo shirt	Dress skirt and dressy top dressy pants outfit nice jeans and dressy top
Casual	Planned Events that do not fall in the above categories and have no stated dress code, like company barbecues or picnics	Khakis or good jeans (clean, no holes) cargo or Bermuda shorts—depending on occasion and climate plain t-shirt (no slogans), polo shirt, or turtleneck casual button-down shirt sweater loafers, sneakers (with or without socks), or sandals	Sundress long or short skirt khakis or nice jeans shorts (depending on occasion and climate) plain t-shirt (no slogans), polo shirt, or turtleneck casual button-down blouse